i guess that goes to show

when will i learn to expect the worst, and know that people are what they are....



i have been feeling so stressed lately, it is like my head is about to explode.
putting in applications to traveling theatre. can't hear back sooner. i keep checking my mail.
i want to get away from here and meet new people. new friends. new everything.
if i could, i would completely disapear.

nights like these

when i can't sleep at all, almost.
my eyes feel heavy. but i have a lot weighing on my mind.


i remember not too long ago i had a slight idea of what my life was going to be like. i pictured a small house, simple dinners, little to maintain, and a lover to spend every night with.
and now that vision is gone.
i picture myself in a car, down a long interstate, crossing over borders into new territories.
loading myself onto an airplane with a new destination, not looking back at the one i am leaving.
staying for a moment, then picking up my bags to go somewhere new.
somewhere cold, somewhere hot. a beach, a forrest. rain and sun. snow and sleet. i want it all.
and it's blurry as to if i am alone or not.

i remember it well.

i was crossing the second street bridge wearing a coat with fur lining. my feet were bare, despite the cold. and it hurt. i remember it hurting. but i kept walking. i stepped across the state line and down main roads, alone. and there you were, standing across the street wearing a green thick coat. i yelled, and my voice was heard, for once. i ran across the road and grabbed your hand and told you what my head wouldnt hold back. all you did was smile at me, and hugged me in the way i havent been hugged in so long. you did not want to let me go, and i smiled and wrapped my arms tighter. and so we stood, on the corner of a familiar street, never wanting to let go.my feet were dirty and cut, bleeding onto the sidewalk. you looked down at them and laughed a little, and picked me up 2 inches off the ground to walk me across the busy street. we walked hand-in-hand down alleys and streets, pretending nothing ever happened, nothing ever changed. i closed my eyes and walked, smelling the sweet smell of cold air. it didnt burn, this time. the wind didnt sting as much. and then you were gone, into a house i had never seen before, and my feet hurt worse than they ever had. there was no help for me to walk the street. so i crawled...

we met again on the same sidewalk, on the same street. the concrete still stained from the blood on my feet. they werent cut this time, but i still had no shoes. and we had a day out, the followed into a night out. we stumbled to a bar underground. i had never seen the place before, and it was all too familiar with you. at the end of the night, we walked up the stairs, and you were still there. walk me home.

such great heights

i can see the lies that you breathe.